Behind The Curtain.

They're moving in a little over two weeks. I just said goodbye to the house that has been home for the last 10 years. I didn't expect to be as sad. It's house number 4 after all. I didn't cry about house 1, 2 or 3, but I did for 4. I loved the first 3. House 4 is special. I got older in the first 3, but I grew up in 4.  Four has been a participant in all of this and leaving it is just as painful as it is refreshing. So goodbye number 4, thank you, but now it's time to get out of the cold and enjoy the sunshine state. The packers will pack up and move everything and my parents will take their first road trip in their new minivan.

Before they move to Florida mom will finish being a participant in the research study. She goes downtown a few times a week to RIC - the third place she stayed, although she has no memory of it. She spends an hour working with her PT, Matt (or "Festive Matt" as we call him on account of his less than present sense of humor). While he encourages her and she bitches they focus on walking, balancing and strengthening exercises. I'm not sure which bit she hates the most, but I am sure that when given a chance my mom will figure out a way to cheat. Regardless of the slightly contentious patient-doctor relationship and the periodic cheating, the study has certainly been helpful. She's stronger than before, can walk further distances and can stand on her own for longer periods of time. 

I can't pretend it's all great. There are certain realities that have to be faced. Things like her left arm, which will never work again. And the rather massive truth that she'll never be who she was before - something she herself reminds us of in times of frustration. And when she says that it feels like the curtain has been drawn, exposing the inner workings of a play we're all in. Like she's called us all out for pretending...to be ok. I'd like to be able to tell her that's not true. I wish I could say, "We're not pretending it's ok, because it is ok." And I would love to be able to cry with her and say how unfair this all is. Tell her I'm just as angry as she is and that I hate having to watch her like this. And I really want to tell her that I get jealous watching other kids with their moms or other husbands with their wives. But I can't. And I won't. She'd never let me get away with that bullshit anyway. All I can do is apologize for pushing so hard, remind her of how far she's come and pull the curtain closed again.