The Process of Progress

So much of the past two-ish years have been more manageable because everything has been a project. Job. Moving. Her. But as we get closer and closer to 100% completion on each project, it's getting harder to avoid the final project. Acceptance of change. Recognizing then and not just acknowledging now.

I still can't play the photo album option on the Apple TV...it's almost been two years and it still hurts too much to look directly at the difference. And I don't just avoid the physical representation of memories; I avoid memories completely. I try not to think about life "before". And that, folks, is messed up. Think about that for a second. Think about just NOT thinking about the past. That’s what I do because that is the only way that I can avoid the enormous amount of sadness that lodged somewhere deep down in my chest. I imagine it as a ball of compressed energy that's pinned down by my heart. Every once in a while a memory flashes past and I’ll entertain it for a second just out of exhaustion. Kind of like an emotional earthquake. Scary, but relieving. Sometimes she calls me accidentally. I pick up, say hello and she doesn't say anything. So I just listen. I think about how she's right there, but not. I let myself hurt for a few seconds. And each time I listen a little bit longer.

Me and Grief

I’ve been avoiding updating this blog for a while. Just the thought of it overwhelmed me with guilt. I wasn’t sure why. But I am now.

Let me back up a bit. When I moved out here I saw it as an act of closure; a conscious decision to move on and live life. But we all know better than that, don’t we? Nothing is that simple. Frankly, I underestimated something very important… my very needy partnership with grief. That bastard is a family member. There for life. I think I knew that, but it wasn’t until this very moment that I realized how comfortable I was with grief. How’s that for a contradictory statement. Me and grief, we had a rhythm and routine. Grief defined me and my days. People knew me as the girl with grief.  And I see now that moving was just as much a decision to move on as it was an attempt to take back some power.  I’ve given myself quite the task. So, four months of lazy naiveté later, here I am. Ready to admit that not only is relying on the world around me to tell me who I am is a fools errand, but also that doing that is not who I am. It’s definitely not the person Pam raised.

So, with that, I apologize for the length of time since my last update. I’ve been dealing with some shit. 

I’m sure you’re tired of reading, so I’ll make this short with the promise of more details next time.

From what I understand they have made some serious headway with unpacking thanks to all of the visitors. Dad may even be able to fit both cars into the garage. Mom is going to therapy (PT/OT/speech) a few times a week and continues to confirm her strong dislike for her PT…again.  We’ve discussed the possibility that she might learn to love him, but so far it’s looking questionable.  All in all, they’re doing well. Still settling in. The state I think they’ll remain in, to be honest because that’s who they are – settling in, never settling for. 

New Year, New Home.

They made it to Florida in three days. When I spoke to them during their migration they were amidst a friendly conversation with some folks at a restaurant. How surprising, my parents are making friends with strangers. To this day my mom swears she’s shy, but all evidence points to the contrary. Anyhow, it was an uneventful trip and they made it to their new abode safe and sound.

We then showed up on Christmas eve. The Christmas palm tree donned it’s usual ornaments, the A/C was set at 72 degrees and the pool awaited us. Between floating and being schooled by mom at Trivial Pursuit we aggressively unpacked. Turns out trying to combine two condominiums full of stuff is no easy task and if you can’t find something then it’s in the garage. It also seems that although mom may not be able to physically help, she can certainly direct. We tried to get as much done as we could while we were there to take some of the pressure off of Dee and my dad. DM brought his usual tech savvy and got the internet and cable up and running while I attacked the kitchen. I had no idea that one person could have so many colanders….or Cuisinarts…or adorable desert plates. That’s a lie, I’ve known my mom for 34 years. But let’s just say that Habitat for Humanity is incredibly appreciative for The Leimers coming to town. 

How is she doing though? 

In my completely subjective opinion, she seems to be doing really well. Her left leg continues to get stronger and she got some magic glasses that help her recognize the left. I don’t know the science behind them, but the way she explains it to me is that they seem to direct her eyes left. This means that she can read again, however now she has to practice focus. Nothing is every easy, folks. She and my dad are also checking out a rehab facility today, but the doctor will have to order more rehab before they can take advantage of that. Thankfully they also have a caregiver coming every weekday now, which is a HUGE help and mom says that she likes this woman. I think her words were “well, it wasn’t hate at first sight” - a two thumbs up review!

And that’s the current situation. They’re still adjusting to the new home and new life, but let’s be honest, sunshine and above freezing temperatures is quite the improvement. And yes, of course I still worry. I know they do too, but they like to tell me otherwise because I’m their kid and they’d like to believe that I believe them. Trust me, I would love to still have the luxury of being the kid who believes. Another level of adulthood - learning to recognize your parents are just people and worry just creates more worry, so you have to grow the hell up and trust to them to tell you when they’re not OK. So, new mantra, “I will not helicopter parent my own parents”, but I will totally bug the shit out of them like any good kid. 

PS - Dad changed his phone number and then didn’t bother to tell people because he seems to forget that people actually DO care about him and want to be able to hear his voice. If you need it, let me know.