So much of the past two-ish years have been
more manageable because everything has been a project. Job. Moving. Her. But as
we get closer and closer to 100% completion on each project, it's getting
harder to avoid the final project. Acceptance of change. Recognizing then and
not just acknowledging now.
I still can't play the photo album option on the Apple TV...it's
almost been two years and it still hurts too much to look directly at the
difference. And I don't just avoid the physical representation of memories; I avoid memories
completely. I try not to think about life "before". And that, folks,
is messed up. Think about that for a second. Think about just NOT thinking
about the past. That’s what I do because that is the only way that I can avoid
the enormous amount of sadness that lodged somewhere deep down in my chest. I
imagine it as a ball of compressed energy that's pinned down by my heart. Every
once in a while a memory flashes past and I’ll entertain it for a second just
out of exhaustion. Kind of like an emotional earthquake. Scary, but relieving. Sometimes she calls me accidentally. I pick up, say hello and she doesn't say
anything. So I just listen. I think about how she's right there, but not. I let
myself hurt for a few seconds. And each time I listen a little bit longer.
