The Harsh Reality

So, first of all, the update with mom is that she's doing incrementally better every day. She continues to attempt walking every day. She continues to re-learn how to read left to right. She continues to regain her center and learn to balance. The truth is that she will most likely be in Westminster Place for a least a few months until she gains enough capability to be at home. Again. There is path with no map and no defined destination.

And secondly, I want to acknowledge the fact that I haven't written in a while. In general, I want you to know that the rule of thumb is "no news is good news". The reason I haven't written is that frankly I'm just not ok and it's hard to write when you're not ok. Three months ago my mom almost died. The person who is supposed to always be there to fix things, tell me it's going to be ok - that person almost stopped existing. Since then, I've kept myself together (for the most part). I've watched her come back from the brink, open her eyes, speak, try to walk while I also continue to be a daughter, a niece, a wife, a friend and an employee. Have you ever had your mom look into your eyes, cry and apologize for living? Apologize to you for "being a burden"? Because I have. It kicked me right in the gut and I realized I've been holding my breath. I know I need to start living again, not just for me, but for her. But as I start to live and breathe again a very harsh reality is setting in. Here's the truth, my mom is a different mom than she used to be. Which means I have to be a different daughter and a different person than I used to be.

I am overwhelmed.
I am an open wound.
I am always seconds away from tears.

I don't mean to be dramatic, but I DO want to try to help you all understand how very real this pain is to me, to my dad, to Dee, to Rick, to Patty and so on. And in order to exist with this kind of pain, we have to change, we have to be different than we used to be. I can't say enough how much every single one of us appreciates the love and support. But for now, we're in survival mode along with my mom and just trying to rebuild.